I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
