turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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