Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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