Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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