He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
we're so committed to being not committed
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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