guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
pop tarts are not kleenex
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
