1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize