Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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