bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
