he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
