i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize