3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
