I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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