Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
