So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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