when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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