There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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