Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
