my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
soo... how was my night?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
