i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
