His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
