At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He better not be in your backpack
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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