fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
