Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize