so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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