i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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