HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
