There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
