When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
