five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize