nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
