I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
