I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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