I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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