I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
