ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
