i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Sober January is a disaster.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
