ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
