I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
