the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
