So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
