I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
