Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
