so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
