took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
