i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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