Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
