I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
