so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You were trust falling into bushes
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
