She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
