please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
