when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
