just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize