My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
