Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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