umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
