He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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