careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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