i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
