I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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