Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
